Yesterday I met up with one of my friends who asked me for a coaching session some months ago and I finally managed to free up 90 minutes in my schedule so we met, had dinner and started chopping away at what seemed like ‘external circumstances that could not be overcome’ that caused all of the problems. Since I have noticed similar problems in almost all of the sessions that I provided, I decided to write a little bit about it in generic terms.
One of the first problems people have is that they don’t know what they want. You may have known what you wanted as a young child but over time society, culture and environment polished you into who you are right at this moment. It is said that “environment is more important than heredity” – meaning that the people that you interact and meet up with are more important factors to who you will end up becoming than what is in your DNA. A lot of times, people don’t know what they want because they have been conditioned and because the people around them tell them that their dreams are “impossible!”… so they just give up on them.
Everybody has only a limited amount of time and energy.
What I’m about to tell you today may seem radical. You may even think I have gone out of my mind with the title: “Put a stop loss order on your friends” but you will understand what I mean shortly. A “Stop loss order” is a term that is used in the financial world when you trade stocks. Basically, you commit yourself to keeping the stock when it is going up until it has reached its peak, but even more important… you commit yourself to IMMEDIATELY sell your stock if it went down 10% in value. Basically, using this technique, no matter what you have bought, the most you stand to lose is 10%. This is very effective! Now instead of stocks, think of all the powers that you use in your life. Think also of your energy level, your motivation, your limited amount of time, you happiness, …
Now, what has this to do with friendship? A whole lot. Since your friends are the people that influence you every day, it is very important to be around people that motivate you. To be around people that help you get to what you want, that help you accomplish your goals. So, the message is: stay away from people that bring you down, from people that lose your time, that make you lose your direction. Most of those people, do so – unknowingly – because they have lost a sense of direction in their life as well. You will want to surround yourself constantly with people who instead of saying “You can never do this”, will say: “Wow, that’s great… Let’s think about it together and see how I can help you and maybe you can help me someday as well.”
When I told my friend this, all the pieces of the puzzle started to fall in place. In life he was surrounded with a lot of people that always criticized him, that always made excuses, that always felt ‘sorry’ but would right the next day do the same thing over and over again. This caused him a lot of stress. Even on a relationship and friendship level. Often he would agree to meet up with a friend or a romantic date and people would not turn up, or cancel just 5 minutes in advance, or postpone…
Guess what? It’s the same thing! But before we tackle that, let’s talk a bit more about relationship. Especially in relationships it is very important that you know where you want to go; what kind of person that you want to be with; what kind of relationship you are looking for, … because if you don’t know it, how do you expect to find that person or to have that person find you?
Running around in circles vs. staying on track
Let’s make it a bit more clear. Let’s say that you are walking towards the East and someone catches your eye that is also heading in that direction…. you walk together for a few miles and then someone catches your eye that is heading North, …. so you change direction and walk with that person for a couple of miles…. until you see someone that is going South, so you go South for a few more miles… Now where do you think you will end up? Exactly! Not where you want to be!
First you need to know what to look for in a person… In other words, if you decide to go North, and you see a person going North, you will keep walking with that person and you have just increased your chances of finding your perfect match. If you are running around in circles like a chicken in a breeding station, you will never find your match!
Be your best self first
Which brings me to the second point: Don’t look for someone else to make you happy! Nobody else can do that all the time. Instead, make yourself happy! Start to do the things that YOU enjoy doing and you will soon see that people will say things like “why are you so happy all the time?” or “it seems like you’re radiating passion”… The reason is simple! You DO what you ENJOY DOING and by doing so, you will attract a person that is happy with her/himself as well. Be your absolute best yourself first and don’t even worry about finding the right person because when you are in control of yourself, that person will find YOU.
No words but action
The third part is also very important and I have some friends who have literally preventing themselves from starting happy relationships by simply clinging to this one person or by pretending to “make a change” while in fact they are maintaining the status quo. Some people trick themselves into believing that they are making progress with phrases such as “I need to move on” or “I don’t need him anymore” or “I need to love myself”. Guess what?! … All of these sentences are saying that this person is NOT moving on at the moment, or IS needing that person, or does NOT love herself. If you feel that you need to do this, don’t even say or write it but DO IT!
Regaining lost time
Lastly “Putting a stop loss order” on your friends. This also works for business as well as a lot of other situations but you really may want to put this to use in your wider friend circle and you will see some astounding results. Basically you are giving a person only X many times to “mess up”, be late, cancel, or bring you down before you move on and sever or reduce contact. It may seem cruel but it is not. In fact, you are protecting yourself from stress and you make sure that you can use that extra energy to focus on your goal, or if dating is the case: in meeting people that are more in control of themselves and their lives.
Practicing this system, will free up your time, keep you in a happy mood all day, be appreciated and most importantly, keep you going in the direction that you want to go. If you want to give your friends a bit of warning, you can just tell them: “Hello John or Jane, I’m putting a stop-loss order on you, so if next time we agree to meet and you are not there within 10 minutes of the time we agreed on, you can have lunch by yourself.” It’s that simple. It will show that person that your time is valuable as well and it maintains a good level of mutual respect.
And, if you don’t feel like telling them right away, you can always point them to a bulletin that you have read online 
.
Enjoy your journey and keep in mind to pick your direction first,
Chris
PS. If you have stories that you want to share, anecdotes, tips, experiences or comments, please send me a private message. I believe that people can learn from other people’s experiences so lend a hand .
